muted emotions

Early

2009-09-07T19:37:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I stopped blogging. I think my last post was published last last month. I got really busy at school and s0 I wasn't able to find tie and write on my blog.

The past few weeks were really busy weeks for me. I realized that time pressures me so much that I'm missing a hell lot of fun from the hell lot of my life. What made me wonder was that even during the process of doing all those requirements, I had found time to think about not just some, but a lot of things.

Starting, I realized I was growing. I'm not getting any younger. The mirror, my newly developed latest photos, and all the pressure was proving it. Even in my point of views and opinions, it isn't so hard to see that I am growing.

I now not just dream of traveling to other places but I am now earning for tickets. I now have my own bank account and I opened it without the help of my parents. I now travel far places alone. I now prefer to stay at home doing paper works than be at the streets hopping from one street food vendor to another like what I was doing when I was much much younger than I am now. I became busier.

I also surprisingly changed my point of view for earl marriage. I used to want to get married to my boyfriend right after I graduate so I can start being with him always, and have more time for each other than now. I realized, I don't want to get married early. I also felt that I would want to extend my kabataan by not marrying younger. Things, and many things that I could only do while I'm single and unmarried came into my mind these days, and I wouldn't want to miss those things.

Maybe, I have already woke up now, from a slumber that closed my eyes from all of the things I was missing, bonding with the people I used to be bonding with (my barkada), since all I was wanting to hang-out with the past few months was my boyfriend, doing my craft which was writing, taking wonderful pictures of nature, because all of my pictures now are just me alone or me and my boyfriend.

I realized that I was being sure of an assumed conclusion of my young days. Think of it,I was even excited to graduate from college even though I haven't graduated yet from high school because I wanted a permanent job already to earn for my own house and car. What am I thinking. I shouldn't be just studying now and helping my parents.

I was thinking too much of my future that I forget what I should be, a sixteen-year-old. I have let go of the things I should have hold on to. I wasn't able to enjoy all the priveleges a teen ager should have felt during her early teenage days. In less than two years from now I would leave the teenage world and be an adult.

Now I realize that I have barely enough time to make it up to myself. What I'm very willing to do right now is to give enough time to myself, who is just a teen, and be a teen. I don't need to be an adult too early.

what i exactly wanted.

2009-07-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

it's not that im discontent. i just don't know where to place myself right now. i've got friends. we hang out (at school). i have a boyfriend, (yeah. the one that doesn't care). and i've dedicated my whole life to something i don't even know. this isn't like what you always (as the usual) think. this is something different from the norm that people would always think of. i don't know. this thing's driving me crazy!! ahhggh!!

the hero

2009-06-10T06:08:00.001-07:00

"In my wildest dreams, you always play the hero. In my darkest hour of night, you rescue me, you save my life."

2009-06-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

•the sweeter the apple, the blacker the core. scratch a lover and find a foe.•

2009-06-10T05:23:00.000-07:00

♥ love is never wanting to lose faith, never wanting to give up, and never truly moving on. Love is knowing and praying in the deepest part of what's left of your heart that they feel the same. ♥

2009-06-10T04:58:00.000-07:00

things don't change, we (people) do. •••

backstreet romance

2009-06-05T04:08:00.000-07:00

my favorite place is just here... beside you. ♥

2009-05-06T06:05:00.000-07:00

|royally flushed|
-=again=-

this is even worse than sneaker night. i *can't believe* that RF won over me. |over me|
i feel so horrified. after the stressful whole day that i *waited* to have long enough time to
talk to him-->♦he would go |brb| and play mode on his RF character♦
it's D-I-S-G-U-S-T-I-N-G-!-!-!
okay, this is the drama almost every •in a relationship• status girls face every day/night.
i |hate| how this feels but what can i say? this heart prick goes like an every day routine.
|but one day •i'd have to end it•>>•be with someone else•>>someone who'd put me first
than his RF character!|
what's the point? it's just a cyber inhuman. it freaks me out. it's even -okay to him- that |we're
going to fight| just to make him able to play this stupid online game. [i won't ask for any |apology| for calling it *stupid*. it is stupid].

my flashy world.

2009-05-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

|i don't wanna be bored|

so i ate jjamppong and i felt ◘good◘ after it. ☻noodles☻ really make me ÜsmileÜ. ii was wishing that me and my guy can see each other this afternoon •like we always have• |this is a backstreet romance|. but he's been so busy the whole afternoon •with his work•his friends•and other stuffs• so i |royally flushed| it away. now, i'm doodling here in my greatest outlet to cyber space >|blog|<. i can't believe i was able not to play with my pet ♦sneezie♦ the whole afternoon, well maybe tonight [since i was addicted to the fella]. well-oh-well. i was wishing someone was online this hours in my yahoo messenger so i would have someone to share things to. Ü but that person isn't, so i'm here on my own.

hmm. so what could my next |topic| be? lemme think.

oh i know! --- my top 10 people as of year 2009. gotta start writing! Ü bye guys. Ü

2009-05-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

i am here, talk about "again!" i'm perfectly sitting in front of my computer while the aircon is full blast, writing this one. bet ya didn't know.. I'M BORED!!

gusto kong ♦ lumabas ♦pero busy naman silang lahat. ☺☻ may inaayos na kotse,☺☻tinatrabaho ang chief girl scout medal scheme papers, ☺☻nag outing, ☺☻nasa davao, ☺☻natutulog pa, ☺☻and all that! wew. i guess i'll have to do my own ♣..stuff..♣ nalang muna today. pero maya-maya lalabas ako. comment me ha, pag walang kwenta itong mga pinagsasabi ko, bored lang talaga ako eh. wew. kainis nga. gusto kong matulog, pero ayaw ko. tapos ang cellphone ko, |lowbat| (bago lang). may ••sunburn•• pa ako! huhu. pero natreat ko naman na eh (kalamansi with honey). ano kayang magandang gawin ngayon ano? sige.. mag iisip muna ako.Ü

what i'm loving right now.

2009-05-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

1. my BF ♥Ü- because he saw me when i was invisible.
2. my pet sneezie on facebook♥- because she is soo cute. and she gives me fun during my lazy hours in the afternon.
3.my mom♥-because she helped me organize the people i need to organize in my CGSMS project.
4.my resto in facebook♥-because i love decorating buildings and feeding cyber people.
5. my computer♥-because it's got internet and it's located inside my room so we bond until 12:30 in the evening
6. the sky ♥ becuse it's so beautiful.
7. God ♥ because he made all these things exist and all these things possible.

|note|

2009-05-04T14:58:00.000-07:00

hey guys, some of my posts doesn't appear, but they're not gone. they just can't be scrolled down, or directed to, because of the layie. but when i'd change layout, they'll appear again. *nothing*

talking about the past days. [this summer!]

2009-05-04T03:35:00.000-07:00

wow. i never thought this summer could get any better!

-strolling around Manila for a week
-seeing the beauty of all Laoag (talk about the lovely beaches!>>and other memorable spots, which acutally were there since the year of i-wasn't0born yet!)
-finally getting to Pagudpud
-spending one whole afternoon strolling at all the perks and hang outs in Tagaytay
-a lovely dinner at Bali
-going on an adventure with my berks at Lake Agco
-church outing at Paradise Island and Little Boracay
-spending lazy afternoons on my pet and resto at facebook
-strolling almost every afternoon with my guy
-and finally beautify my greatest outlet to cyrberspace>>my blog!!!

this summer is so incredible. i actually thought this two months of no-school is a no-fun, but guess what? it isn't! and i'm loving it. ♥

church outing.

2009-05-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

accepting the ocean's invitation.

seducing me to plunge in.

behind these ugly weeds, is the summer trip i waited the past whole year for!!

enjoying my unsunburned skin.

*i was here* initial

they were there through the years

tara! let's take a look at what nature can boast over here. Ü

we envy the nearby island. so amazing. the coconut trees' unusual heights,
the moutains, the sand, the huge hike inviting rocks.

we're here. so why not swim

no. this isn't a jellyfish attack. it's just a scratch. doesn't even hurt.

wala lang. this is LOLs. haha.

barkada trip to lake agco!!

2009-04-26T16:41:00.000-07:00

These are the pictures i took from my summer adventure with my barkada.

They appear too small in this page, so please just click them if you wish to see them
in a larger appearance.

it ends tonight.

2009-04-24T04:10:00.000-07:00

it ends tonight

Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all that wants
And all that needs
All I don’t want to need at all.

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight
It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
Your finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

i have to save.

2009-04-21T18:46:00.001-07:00

i'm running out of cash! i went went to the mall just a day ago and i got myself a pair of pumps, a handbag, two graphic tees, three new books, a pair of flipflops, a lengthening mascara, neutrogena oil, a heart cage, i ate at antonio's, and then my friends picked me up to have dinner at dencio's, and i can't believe i spent 6,830 in one day. i feel horrible. i am not going to spend money for this whole week, i'll just stay at home. i have to wait for one more week for my allowance.

bye-bye hang out partner.

2009-04-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

you are so "a good friend." and i like hanging out with you. it's so nice being able to talk to you for 2 and half an hour with just one topic and end up laughing because we're hungry [that's weird], and then getting ourselves hamburgers [no mayo]. i am just so carefree when i'm with you so i ride well, but don't hand in your dictionary and get another meaning for that, because all we have is plainly friendship. i love my man.

well.. yeah, as if i can control this.. i think i have a crush on you [oh-how alert!]. and, and, i musn't go out with you anymore! this is horrifying. i have a boyfriend. you're single, and adorable, and a lot of girls out there would probably wanna hang out with you. so, go. i used to think i wouldn't fall over the mud, but now i am and it's actually quick sand, the smile drowns me in and i can't breath. i can't even say i wanna get outta here now! i have a crush on you and i'm not liking it. i'm starting to dress up a little too girly than i was dressing up before, and when i talk to you, i become more careful of the words and you know what? i know why, because i'm already crushing you and i know this will break my heart one day. so, i've gotta just stop this.

clueless.

2009-04-21T18:44:00.000-07:00

yeah, we're ON. the relationship existed 11 months ago, and still exists 'til now. we've been through a lot of things. we love each other, so much. and who would ever think it would end up to be my fault that i'm really not for him after all? this is what happens when imature people fall in love and grow mature, learning the painful truths about what they used to not know. i thought i could fight for him, in order for my parents to accept him. i was fueled up when he made me meet his parents, but know, we both realized i wouldn't work well enough with my parents. [tears] how come this happens? we've done a lot of things already that made a lot of memories. we sneak out from the house just to watch stars together and stroll on his auto. we went out of town just to stroll a mall about 3 hours from home and get to to go home that late [not to mention the excuses, the "lies" i gambled saying just to make mom believe me].

i always want to save our relationship. i always look at its every angle, in case i see a way to get on with it. i really love him, really do.

i can't wait (any longer).

2009-04-18T04:19:00.000-07:00

yey! i'm at the middle of the summer. ♥ and i'm having quite a lot of fun [surf the net, blog, travel, take pictures, sleep a lot, eat a lot, and other stuffs]. in a week, i'll be hitting the beach with my family and church. it's another way of savoring the summer. after that, in a month, i'd have to enroll already [after i get my progress card back].

i'll be taking another step to a whole new level>>fourth year na akech! time flies so fast, it's really so hard to catch up with it. i still have a lot to do. for sure this year's gonna give me a lot of pressure, and i've gotta make good things happen this time. i have to write down a long list of fourth year highschool's resolutions.

1. study harder (this one never fails to get enlisted to my every resolution paper)
2. pass requirements on time
3. eat a lot (i want a progress from my skinny body)
4. sleep earlier Ü
5. have even more fun (in place)
6. keep more in touch with friends
7. be present at every school activity (even if the ampitheatre is scorging hot)
8. sign up for clubs
9. give the best shot for the school paper screening and writing (in case i make it again)
10. bring books (no matter how heavy they are)

i pinky promise that i won't be any ruder than i was last year this time. i'll impose greater control over my temper this year and shut my mouth up when it shouldn't be talking. think twice, and double check everything (specially putting by calculator inside my bag).

i just wish i could have much fun during my fourth year high school, since my junior year didn't turn out to be that good. whatever happens, i've gotta do all i can to make this one a better year. and i will never have the reason to not hang out with my friends any more, even if it's a 'sleepy head' day, because this could be our last year of being classmates ever!

through out the year, i've gotta refrain having dates with my boyfriend too much (sorry, honey). even if it's hard to admit, hanging out with my guys sometimes eat up the time when i should be doing my assignments and requirements, but i'll still have quality time with him (i'll look for a perfect way). ♥

i've gotta learn how to go home early this time, so i could convince mom to lessen her phone calls while i'm hanging out. and another reason is so she could trust me that much when she sends me to a far school. well, they're planning (mom and pop) to send me to University of Santo Tomas (fact: the school is just in front of the street where my aunt's apartment is located. jackpot!), and so, have to gain her trust to really make that happen.

the whole year my mind also has to foccus on what course i would be taking up (the course of the undecided). i was planning to take up Mass Communications, but mom would let me take up nursing, and then my mind change that i already wanted to take up Communication Arts, but i don't know, i'm kind of confused. Θelp!

but whatever.. i still have a whole year yet to enjoy making memories with the people i love and to work about not being stressed out. so, all i'll just have to do is pray and i'm sure the outcome will be just perfect. Ü

photo edits.

2009-04-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

selena. selena. selena.

2009-04-16T17:33:00.000-07:00

this is the next thing that i'm gonna love.

2009-04-16T17:25:00.000-07:00

this one.. uhm, just a sneak peak. wee.

this tastes good.

2009-04-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

okay you guys pay attention [miley cyrus fans!]. this is the movie thriller of hannah montana the movie. i grabbed it from sprinkle pop online, and i thought you'd want to watch it. i'm so excited to watch her movie!

the climb.

2009-04-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

this is one of miley's most amazing songs, The Climb. I got it from sprinkle pop online.

i just love this video.

2009-04-15T18:10:00.001-07:00

Check this out! They're hanging out again. I'm a big fan of Niley, and it's feelin' good to find out that they're hangin' out again. Miley said they'd just eat lunch like old friends. They went to Village Idiot at Los Angeles.

at our age.

2009-04-14T17:26:00.000-07:00

could mom be from show business years ago? urgh. she's always on with the dramas! it irritates my eardrums everytime she has something to tell about how i come too late, dress like this, dress like that, eat too little, sleep too late, wake up too late, and all the usual things kids my age have been engaging to. Mom, what's your point? this is what it is 'in our age'!

have your ways been compared to the ways your mom or dad's ways when they were as young as you? if you already had, i suspect you got annoyed.

-they said that boys before, court girls for 1-2 years.

"pause, delete. generation by generation, man's life span decreases. and you gotta work on "some things" [like that stuff] a bit faster. we're not saying that having a guy wait that long is bad, but talk about 'you' liking the guy too. of course, after you think you know enough of him, you could accept him as your boyfriend. and if would only take you about 3-4 months [that's a lot of time too. parents, please consider.] to do that, than why gamble for all those years? besides, it's how you handle the relationship the next months and years. pressure drives us to unlabel ourselves "hard-to-get." the main point is saving time, utilizing that, and driving yourself out of pressure."

-they say girls before are home before 5:00 in the afternoon.

"Ahuh, you gotta be kidding. what about night classes?"

-honey, those things don't exist before.

"I scored. since night classes didn't exist before, than they have nothing to stay out late for. In your time, girls were 'too' demure, and too 'conservative' that they wouldn't even hang out at bars [these things don't exist before too. (say, "duh")], disco, they weren't even allowed to drive porsches and stroll manila all night. they had 'no reason' to go out at night before, that is why."

-they say kids before don't put clothes and gowns in the spotlight at prom

"oh, okay, but don't count us in. i'm a frustrated prom queen wannabe! for girls my age, gowns and bling blings do matter. even for boys, our gowns matter. it shows off our social standing, which [at times] also matter."

-they say kids before don't have a buncha 7-liner grades

"mom, you have our basics now as your majors before. the human brain's structure hasn't change. it still does look the same before and now, including membranes, cells that account, and it does have the left and right brain still. what i mean is, our studies have larger pressure and our lessons are for smarter people, smarter than you were before. that is why. imagine brains with the same level, struggling to tolerate different levels of subjects, it is most probable that the brain with the easier subjects would have greater grades, and that the one with the harder subjects would have lower grades."

those are just some of a lot of things they murmur about. ask me, i don't get why is still make sense to other people. i'd encourage them to just adopt the fact, that we are in a different generation so they don't get alienated.

were they not oriented that a day like this would come? and don't they know that what they were having before already passed out? tell me if this doesn't make sense. it annoys me.

my heart's downfall day.

2009-04-14T05:16:00.000-07:00

imagine how stupidity strikes
everytime you need luck
it strikes you too hard
and it strikes are your back

surprised you were not knowing
that it's 12 oclock in the evening
still he's all you could think about
though you're all worn
this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

you gotta go to bed now
you just don't know how
things leave you clueless
all that's left is a mess

you go over with the night
something just don't feel right
i can't believe we're finally through
after all those years of fighting for you

this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

wish i could grab you outta my mind
and hug you for real
it'll be a very good way to show you
just how i feel

i'm like a kid lost in New York City
who doesn't even know to take a taxi
but i've gotta gamble all of my fears
and trash out the shame of showing tears

this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

it's my heart's downfall day..

ellipsis in our story.

2009-04-14T05:12:00.000-07:00

you see i've given all
since the very day i fall
each word from my lips were true
my sight was just for you
these ears listen carefully
when you say you love me
it was like a fairytale
but on one thing we failed

you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

now i guess it's the end
but tell me we can be friends
we both tried to make it through
we fought for me and you
i will miss our happy times
those moments when we'd rhyme
so i sing to you this song
wishin' you;d sing along

you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

i know you loved me
i was able to see
hope i had made you feel
that loving you was real

you see, i see

the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

labeled "little miss boring"

2009-04-14T04:38:00.000-07:00

"Okay, sorry if you're having a hard time having fun every time you're with me."

i don't get it. is this actually the reason why he's always busy every time i'd ask him if we could spend time together? it's sort of stupid to put things like this on the spotlight, things that actually don't matter. well, maybe to other people, but it means so much to me, thought it shouldn't.

it's been five months since he's been acting a bit weird. he's calls are already minimal, while it's been me who's often asking him to go out. at times we're on an 'ok' mode, sometimes it horrifying. why horrifying? it's because after he'd ask me what i did the whole day, he would be quiet all the rest of the time. it annoys me, but am i obliged to hold his upper and lower lip and force to motion close-open?

yup. that was five months, until he finally cracked it. "Will you try to be quiet? You're boring."
don't ask me how i felt. you know i was hurt, even for the slightest reason.

all these times, he had that reason why he's been acting like that all the while? [ridandancy was applied in that statement, in know.] silence enveloped me upon hearing those words, but when i examined his face, it was nothing to him. he just looked annoyed knowing my eyes were laid up on him, waiting for the next words he would say. he said nothing. oh, he said something actually. "stand up. let's go home."

so that was it? that was it. i wanted to hate him, but i couldn't. i just felt stupid. i was on "self pity" mode. okay, i was boring and boring i was.

-but how can he judge me that way? he labeled me boring, when in fact all the while i was the only one who was talking while he was there sitting, with his mouth shut. well, maybe he wasn't interested about what i was talking about. that thing contributed to the hurt, because what i talked about was my relationship to his family. we talked [well "i talked"] about his mom, and how she entertained me while i was in their place. does he not like it that i got to get close with his mom? i also talked about sensitive things about us, you know, the future, and some of our little problems. i didn't know what was boring on those matters, or if any made sense, but since he considered it was boring, i decided not to talk about those things anymore, since then.

and do you think what i did changed his behaviour? hell no. it made it even worse. this time, he wouldn't want to go out with me. after being labeled "boring" i'd be labeled "dumb" if i wouldn't feel that he's not actually into me already. the best thing to do, is ask him what's the problem.
and i did.

look, i don't want to shed to you any much more of the details so i'm going to tell you directly that it's been confirmed and i was right that he isn't into me already. he wants a girl who'd give him what he needs [boys know it] and i can't. he said all those times, he didn't want to just sit there listening to all the crazy stuffs i was talking about, he wanted to do something else (this is on a different level, in case my school buddies read this.), which he certainly didn't expect from me. he has to look for it on other girls, and at that night, it was over.

"okay, i wish you find what you're looking for. Goodluck with whatever...... dude."

and that's it. did this post made any sense? i'm on latitude 4.16, over the equater, on the tropical convergent zone, the exact location is blah blah blah [wew. pardon me if i do this babbling but the reason is because it still hurts.], kick me if it doesn't.

BEWARE OF BOYS. (who look for this fun.)

100 things i want to happen while i exist

2009-04-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

1. i wanna ride a submarine and explore the deepest part of the ocean.
2. i wanna visit Barcelona, Spain, and stroll all over Europe.
3. i wanna go shopping at New York City
4. i want my personally written book published
5. i want to witness a miracle
6. i want to hold my very first baby in my arms
7. i want to kiss the man who was destined to love me
8. i wanna be seen on TV, reporting live on CNN
9. i want to have a night spent on a yacht while the sea is peaceful and night sky is glamored with stars
10. i want to walk down the aisle with the man i would grow old with
11. i want to write a song that show most how i feel
12. i want to see my own people living at peace, unthreatened
13. i want to feed a thousand hungry kids
14. i want to own private beach where i could meditate (my heart is always close to the sea)
15. i want to create my own yummy recipe of carbonara
16. i want to have my dream house built (not grand, just where i can keep all my loved ones together.)
17. i want to read all the books written by Christopher Paolini, C.S. Lewis, Meg Cabot, Paolo Coehlo, Stephenie Meyer, and all my other favorite authors
18. i want to learn how to draw professionally
19. i want to surf the waves
20. i want to have a driver's license and travel all of Philippines on my very own shining red chic car
21. i want to have a pair of sneakers with my emo face that's on sepia mode printed on it
22. i want to just sit down and watch the sun set while i recall all the sweet memories of my first love (sweet corns are for sale at the avenue every afternoon. :p)
23. i want people to understand me while i do my crazy robot talk
24. i want to learn how to gulf
25. i want to grow apple trees (when i was younger, i tried growing one inside our refrigerator. daddy told me they grow in cold places.)
26. i want to learn the basics and intermediates of karate
27. i wanna drift a car!
28. i want to take all the rides in disneyland
29. i want to paddle a boat in a peaceful stream and feel like i'm in fairytopia
30. i want play with a dolphin
31. i want to own a cyberian husky
32. i want to munch on some tacos from mexico
33. i want to grow long stemmed roses
34. i wanna witness one of the Olympics
35. i want to participate in one of the Sea Games
36. i want to fly (even with artificial wings)
37. i want to ride a hot hair balloon
38. i want to be on a Jonas Brothers Concert
39. i want to sea Hanna Montana for real
40. i want to have my own boutique with graphic stuffs for sale
41. i want to own an Asian restaurant
42. i want to visit Mt. Rushmore
43. i want to see the Sydney opera house for real
44. i want to see Hollywood for real
45. i want to meat Sophia Robb
46. i want to learn how to use chop sticks
47. i want to learn more of the Japanese culture
48. i want to be economically oriented
49. i want to meet the Philippine President
50. i want to stop what i'm doing right now, it drains my energy
51. i changed my mind, i've gotta go on
52. i wanna have my own bath tub
53. i want to have a good job
54. i want to study Linguistics
55. i want to learn how to speak Japanese and Latin
56. i want to have purple contact lenses
57. i want to learn more about HTML and CSS codes
58. i want to have a bestfriend who would be there no matter what
59. i want to be led to right man so i wouldn't have to waste time doing trial and error
60. i want to pass board exams
61. i want to be in the presence of a lion who's about three years old
62. i want to sleep inside and Indian Ti pi
63. i want to witness a butterfly coming out of its cocoon
64. i want to ride a cable car
65. i want to learn how to cook baked macaroni
66. i want to dive like a professional diver
67. i want to hear seagulls laugh
68. i want to witness snowfall
69. i want to see real snowflakes
70. i want to see a UFO
71. i want to design a gown and have somebody sew it
72. i want to have a silver tunic
73. i want to be in the presence of a prince
74. i want to join a motorcycle race
75. i want to skate on ice
76. i want to discover a medicinal herb
77. i want to join the choir of our church (ahem)
78. i want to get rid of disminoria (it slowly kills me)
79. i want to be healed (i have pharyngitis)
80. i want to discover a secret people have long been hiding from me
81. i want to see rosary constellation in the night sky (they say only the people who already have walked pass their soul mates could see that constellation)
82. i want to fart in tune
83. i want to learn how to ride a horse
84. i want to see another galaxy other than the Milky Way the closest distance possible for humans
85. i want to write more posts about individual rights
86. i want to learn how to do the San Miguel lettering
87. i want to stroll Manila all by myself for just one day without getting lost
88. i want to visit the jungles of Africa
89. i want to eat a burger from Monaco
90. i want to have a pet monkey so i could let him eat all the bananas mom forces me to eat before i go to school
91. i want to witness my brother being scrubbed (he sure is stinky)
92. i want to be bathed in a hot spring
93. i want to be inside the costume galleria of Hollywood
94. i want to ride a horse on my own
95. i want to saddle a dragon (dreaming would be the easiest way)
96. i want to full charge my batter within a minute
97. i want to learn how to use a bow and an arrow
98. i want to learn how to program a computer
99. i want to buy my dream phone
100. i want to be in a corner, satisfied, and "ready for take off". :)

on my own corner.

2009-04-08T23:48:00.000-07:00

it has always been like this. he does his work, while i wait here for his available time. i wait almost everyday for about twelve hours just for the next 2-3 hours i could spend with him. and all those 12 hours are time wasted. why wasted? because all i do is make his phone ring, send messages and answer his call, just to check exactly what he might be doing at the moment.

it's not that i'm sick waiting for him, it' just that i'm sick of spending my time doing nothing while he's out there taking part of my whole lot of mental disease. this impatience threatens my personality. i know it was never his fault that i'd be like this. it's just that why won't he do something? you know, make up for the lost time and pay for my oversworn patience all these times. leave his work for a few hours and be with me. i've always wanted that.

i don't want to be stuck here like i always was. i want him, to get me and bring me somewhere where we could just talk and have time together. we never know until when we can just be together. tomorrow might just ne the end of the world. might sound silly but we never know.

while the world goes on, we're here watching our own backs like foxes in the middle of the deep cold forest. we both want to find our own shelter amidst our strength, but it seems the world is afraid to keep us. i fear that one day all i'd have to do is take care of myself and i'm afraid one day all i'd ever believe is that i don't need anybody else to be here with me. right now, and in the coming days, i know i am that strong, but still i want to have somebody to show me that i'm not when it comes to the highway of life.

"i still want someone to take care of me. someone who can leave the rest of the world and be with me just in a corner."

tagaytay getaway.

2009-04-08T01:10:00.000-07:00

sa hanging bridge with lola and ate anna.

pababa ng people's park. nadiyan din ang palace in the sky.

papic under the title ng place. waa.

rest muna kami ha.

sa stairs.

with my makulit na pamangkin.

sa ilalim ng pinya.

at palace in the sky.

dun pa ren.

hey, carlo, look at the camera.

gulfview.

dinner at kenny roger's.

laoag. ilocos pagudpud.

2009-04-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

while i was at manila, nilubos ko na ang pamamasyal.

i went to different places with my cousins and other relatives.
but i separated the places into groups sa posts ko.
siyempre first stop is manila, dun nagdock ang barkong sinakyan ko..
but we went to laoag immediatley.
here are the pics.. make sure you read the captions for better understanding..
12 hours travel needs this.
stop over. we took the night travel to laoag. this is 11:08 in yhe evening.

LAOAG.
after 12 hourse of travel.. this is where we get to.
LAOAG CITY!!!

bawang.
their main crop in Ilocos Norte.

breeze.
hindi naman masyadong mahain ano?

sobrang lakas.
ng hangin.. mantakin niyo, pati camera muntik itangay. wew. lapit na.

beach visit.
this is a private beach na hindi pa nadevelop.

let's go.
at the moment, we were about to go and head for our next stops.

laoag viewdeck.
i was climbing the stairs to the view deck. from the viewdeck, you'd be able to see all of Laoag city.

at the base.
sa base yan ng windmill sa Laoag. yan ang source ng power supply nila.

pagudpud.
papunta ng pagudpud..

here na.
yehey.

walks.
at the old hotel. sira na toh eh.

wew.
you know what? minsan nakakapagod din magcaption..

ridge.
was that the right word? i'm standing at a parking lot ng isang lumang high-end hotel na dating pagmamay-ari ng isang mataas na opisyal ng gobyerno.
napag-alamang itong hotel na ito ay isa sa mga pinagkagastuhan niya ng perang kanyang naipuslit sa gobyerno.
sa likod ng matagal na na isyung ito, hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin natin malaman laman ang tunay na nasa likod na kuwento.

the seas from here.
this is a view i took from the front of the said hotel.
last stop.
agua grande beach resort.

summer saya!!

2009-04-03T19:04:00.000-07:00

lhey guys! i wasn't around for quite long, but i'll be back sometime this april.. i'm at manila right now and to keep in touch with all of you, here are some of the pictures that i've taken during the travel.

finally on board.
wew. i was so tired, but i still managed to smile.

karagatan.
for 3 days i saw nothing outside but the sea.

stairs.
this was taken while i was exploring the ship.

let's eat.
first lunch on board. spaghetti. but that's too much sauce and oil. and did you happen to know that i don't eat food cooked with laurel? oh well, as if i had a choice at the moment.

staring far.
will this ship take me to the stars?

fed up.
too much view of the seas. i wanna see islands.

magulo ba?
stuffs ko. crowded ang both na spans. dba? dami ko kasing mga something2x.

cebu stop-over.
we stopped over cebu. so, i asked grandma if we could visit SM Cebu and that's where this pic was taken. Cebu's cool. rarr!

manila here we come.
we finally arrived.

with my nieces.
nahiya pa si Hanna oh.. Buti pa si Kat-kat. taba!
sleeping system. LOL
i sleep here.

let's eat na!
my first lunch in manila. wew. it's been a year since i last visited this place.

after stroll.
wow. the ale made eksena. haha.
after we strolled the mall, we went home to prepare for our travel to laoag city.
this was one place na i quite liked kaya i took a picture of it.

passion for fashion.

2009-03-24T06:27:00.000-07:00

"for love of fashion and want to improve my image, i screw things up to make good impressions. it's not that i always want to catch up with the latest trend, my goal is just to look appropriate and fun. i want people to feel good when they're with me."

for me style is the way you manage yourself in outward appearance.
and fashion is how you bring out the beauty in the things you put together.

one step at a time.
sneakers. -are comfy. always for on the go. and sporty.

but i also look for foot-slips that can stand out.

the weather predicts what i wear on foot.

jeans were forbidden. [for religions sake.]
but i still wear them. [for comforts sake.]

since skirts were the only bottoms allowed.
i have tons of thems.of different sizes.
and styles.denim.satin.cotton.
and whatever!

blouses are appropriate to look at.
specially with skirts. that's why i still have them in my closet.

i love graphics.
graphic tees are always welcome in my closet.
i have tons of graphics tees. i collect them.
i can wear them with jeans.
or even with skirts. [depends on what skirt.]

watch me.
time has always something to do with me.
i wear watches wherever i go.

then that's it.

"fashion is how i show up myself.
my mood and emotions are interpreted by my style.
and that's how those things work on me."
-tigerlily

what i'll always remember.

2009-03-24T05:20:00.000-07:00

i'll always treasure our times together
the moments when you'd just sit beside me
and relay all that happened throughout your day
i'll remember the words you often say
and your touch i will never forget
how you hold my hand in the midst of a crowded world
how you touch my heart beneath all the barriers
and that you loved me
that i loved you..just because i wanted to
i'll remember the smiles and tears
i can't promise not to forget
but i promise to always remember.

it’s never a perfect world.

2009-03-21T23:06:00.000-07:00

i have no idea how i’m ever gonna handle things when he’s gone. he’ll be away for two years. i already have emoted about this thing thousands of times, but it never helps.

i know i could fnd a way to get over him, but the problem is i don’t want to. sometimes i laugh alone when i realize i’m probable out of my mind.

these days [at his last days with me], i train myself living the life without him. i only call him when necessary. i don’t kiss him anymore. i don’t hug him anymore. it has been so hard not to do those things, but it would be for my, our own good.

maybe i’ll just have to wait for things to pass over. it’ll all be okay.

i want justice.

2009-03-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

they are so dumb. people nowadays are becoming more and more insensitive. they only consider things of which they will profit. and they do things just to protect themselves, it doesn’t matter if other people will be in trouble.

lately a kapamilya filed a case against a muslim, because of money matters. the muslim and the kapamilya had an agreement of the amount of money each will recieve after a VOS.

however, after the release of money from the bank, which is probably the time for giving of shares, the muslim would insist to have this amount of money which he desires [which is literally not the agreed amount]. now, the muslim would send threats and brought the kapamilya to the court for this.

the kapamilya would show herself to the court. the issue is fixed if the kapamilya would give an amount to the muslim, but badly this scenario [of giving money just to give her peace] is constantly happening. for many times, the muslim would bring her to court and then again, the issue will be in silence if the kapamilya would give him money.

this is clearly extortion. what is worse is that the kagawad and police officers is clearly biased. why? the won’t listen to the kapamilya’s side. they would immediatley take the side of the muslim, which is the most irritating of all.

why? i want to know. is it because the are sipsip to the mayor which is muslim. or are they afraid of that muslim because that muslim is connected to another muslim which is a known killer.

what’s this? there is no justice.

when you wish upon a star.

2009-03-21T22:51:00.000-07:00

i always love to go back to the old fairytale story books my father had given me when i was a young kid. those books were the ones mom read to me and my young brother before we go to sleep. that was when we were little and don’t go to school yet. i always enjoy the part where princesses make wishes for their prince to come and after that things change and prince charming comes along.

since then, i grew up believing in wishes and dreams. i wish i had a prince and that he’d take me to a faraway land. i wish he was there every moment i’m alone. i wish i have him by my side all the time so that all my fears and all the pain would go away. i wish i lived in a castle. i wish i was a princess. i wish. i wish. i wish.

slow down.

2009-03-21T17:20:00.001-07:00

just slow down
and take some time
to laugh a bit
and know you have the right
to smil and be happy
to cry a bit
and give the world
the scream it deserves
for being whatever it is
slow down and enjoy life as it is
for many had grown old
yet never have reached
the peak of joy
that life has prepared
for the ones who take time
to realize where and what
exactly that is.

fishy.

2009-03-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

whatever they say.
though they tell me it's a mistake that i fell for you.
and though i myself smell something "fishy."
my mind still won't change about loving you.
[i didn't intend that this post become ironic.]

all the small things.

2009-03-21T17:05:00.000-07:00

sweet memories.
it's all i have of you.
and it's all the small things.
that i won't let anybody.
take away.
it's all the small things.
that will always be right here >> <3.

if you can hear me.

2009-03-21T16:58:00.000-07:00

if you can hear me scream your name.
would you scream my name back?
if you can hear me say i still love you.
would you feel the same way?
if you can here me whisper
"i don't want to let you go"
would you hold on and never let go?

princess.

2009-03-21T16:37:00.000-07:00

i want to wear the tiara.
not as the sign of authority
but as a sign of reigning his heart.
not as to command him.
but to enslave him with my love.
and not to put him into battle
like any of the kingdom's soldiers
but to be there during his fight
and to die with him.

in the big world.

2009-03-21T16:34:00.001-07:00

reality is at its best when you're all alone.
you could think on your own.
and travel the places you want to go.
you learn from the streets.
you meet different kinds of people.
you see things as the are.
for real.
so it's a big world.
and you didn't know before that it is.

silence..

2009-03-21T16:26:00.000-07:00

i just need silence.
where my mind isn't obliged of all the things in the real world.
where i could think of fairytales and rumpletiltskin.
where i could imagine a prince staring nearby.
where the heart is at its peace.
and my soul is at its earthly rest.
it only takes silence to prepare the mind.
and think it over.
though things don't have that common connection.
it only takes silence.

before the sun sets.

2009-03-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

before the sun sets
i would like you to know
that i love you
and i won't let anybody else
ruin this feeling
that i have for you.
before the sun goes down
learn that you are
everything to me
and that i couldn't live
without you.
before night comes on a pace
i would like you to realize
you are all i ever wanted in my life
and would want nothing more
than live each day
just by your side.

one way.

2009-03-21T16:14:00.000-07:00

you wouldn't need more words.
to understand.
or to realize.

just tell me

"Why does each road lead me to you?"

miles to go.

2009-03-21T16:10:00.000-07:00

halfway we think we've gone far
if we could just realize
how far still the stars are

at midday we think we had enough
so we sit down
we drink and we laugh

but at the times the sun won't show
when it's enough for the day
we learn we still have miles to go
and there's yet a lot along the way.

the last drive.

2009-03-21T15:52:00.000-07:00

all these nine months i struggled for love. i did things i didn't know i could and i should do. it was all because i didn't want to lose someone. i wish he has willing to do the same efforts, but he didn't. he never hesitated to make me think that way, as for always.

i skipped classes, i sneak in and out of the house, i leave my friends, i hide my grading card, i spend all my allowances just to be with him. i lie, i cheat, i disobey, i do whatever. good thing he could see my effort, but still he isn't in the mode to do the same thing.

at times when i ask him, it seems nothing to him. it was like he doesn't care. and guess what? he wouldn't even do something to change the way i think. he just let's it go that way. i don't know what his intention his, but he tells me he loves me.

now, i realized on thing. it is different when somebody says "i love you" ahead of you, than when somebody says "i love you" after you've said them yourself, because it could be that he loves you because he does, or he loves you because he knows you love him, or he just said that to be fair with you and nothing more.

something i don't know [and i really can't remember] how i got here. falling in love with someone like this without even regreting. he's just somebody who won't fight for me.

maybe, he's just too confident that i love him and every time i slip away, i'd get back. good for him, he doesn't know how to feels to wait all day though he's out there doing something else. he doesn't know how it feels to break-up with someone you wish would tell you not to, to walk away and wish a tear would fall down his eyes at every step, and at the last drive would tell you he still loves you no matter how wrong he's done.

i'd always hope for this last drive.

as time slowly kills

2009-03-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

you know i always get annoyed when i have a deal with somebody and that person didn't show up on time. it really boils my blood to a high temperature, ready to expand my head, and shoot high above the air. i hate people who waste time, because i treasure time so much. we all should.

who knows until when your life is. you are born today, and your parents will never know the number of days you will last. you do not know.

if you wouldn't mind, i want to share to you my own story of struggling with the time..

I lived my life waking up so early every morning, i had to help my parents clean up the surroundings, feed the pigs, help my father in his office, assist my mom in our restaurant and i did all that at a very young age. That is why you mustn't wonder why even all those pressures do not exist around me anymore, i still wake up early and find things to do starting before sunrise.
--
I was 8 years old when it was diagnosed that i have olser. it's a sickness that allows your stomach to cramp every time you pass hunger. since i couldn't eat at right times always, i suffer with the cramps. there was even a time i collapsed. good thing that happened after i arrived at home and not at school. at the age of 10 it was diagnosed that i have pharyngitis. it is a sickness with the pain that i suffer in the throat and it painfully kills me little by little when it attacks.
--
i have a boyfriend. as other couples usually do, we set time for our date, when he would not arrive on time, i'd feel so bad that i'd ignore him the whole time. i will feel upset. it is because, i feel like loving me has also something to do with time. he should have known that. he doesn't know what exact time he'll lose me. bothmy sicknesses could worsen any time and take away my life. that's the same reason why i want to be with him almost every minute left for me to live.

as i rush to the door of my classroom every morning, i feel like i'm rushing through the door of life. i can't just walk carelessly slow, or else i'll lose it. every minute counts. as the clock tics and as my heart beats, it takes away seconds, minutes..

"if life has to wait for you forever, then you will learn to treasure time soon enough."

muted emotions.

2009-03-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

i always sit down and wait for you. i stay home just in case you’d come, i want to be available. i want to always be with you. and you’ve got the other side of the situation. you’re always busy and it seems that you wouldn’t want to go out with me.

things had been so different these past few weeks. i don’t know. and at this week, i was so shocked to find out that you’re moving. the last year was so horrifying when i found out you’re going out of the country, but i was relieved when it was canceled but now, here’s the same scenario.

tell me what am i supposed to do. i don’t have any idea of what is going on. has fate really ordered you to stay away from me, or have you settled down yourself that i’m as good as done. i hate feeling like this everyday. having to wake up thinking will i see you in a few hours or will i have to wait until the next day or the next few weeks or will i never see you again.

do you ever think of our relationship? do you really love me? then why don’t i feel it. what’s your proof? is there any evidence?

i’m sick and tired of always being like this. tell me if i should still wait or if i would have to look for someone else.