as time slowly kills

you know i always get annoyed when i have a deal with somebody and that person didn't show up on time. it really boils my blood to a high temperature, ready to expand my head, and shoot high above the air. i hate people who waste time, because i treasure time so much. we all should.

who knows until when your life is. you are born today, and your parents will never know the number of days you will last. you do not know.

if you wouldn't mind, i want to share to you my own story of struggling with the time..

I lived my life waking up so early every morning, i had to help my parents clean up the surroundings, feed the pigs, help my father in his office, assist my mom in our restaurant and i did all that at a very young age. That is why you mustn't wonder why even all those pressures do not exist around me anymore, i still wake up early and find things to do starting before sunrise.
--
I was 8 years old when it was diagnosed that i have olser. it's a sickness that allows your stomach to cramp every time you pass hunger. since i couldn't eat at right times always, i suffer with the cramps. there was even a time i collapsed. good thing that happened after i arrived at home and not at school. at the age of 10 it was diagnosed that i have pharyngitis. it is a sickness with the pain that i suffer in the throat and it painfully kills me little by little when it attacks.
--
i have a boyfriend. as other couples usually do, we set time for our date, when he would not arrive on time, i'd feel so bad that i'd ignore him the whole time. i will feel upset. it is because, i feel like loving me has also something to do with time. he should have known that. he doesn't know what exact time he'll lose me. bothmy sicknesses could worsen any time and take away my life. that's the same reason why i want to be with him almost every minute left for me to live.


as i rush to the door of my classroom every morning, i feel like i'm rushing through the door of life. i can't just walk carelessly slow, or else i'll lose it. every minute counts. as the clock tics and as my heart beats, it takes away seconds, minutes..

"if life has to wait for you forever, then you will learn to treasure time soon enough."

muted emotions.

i always sit down and wait for you. i stay home just in case you’d come, i want to be available. i want to always be with you. and you’ve got the other side of the situation. you’re always busy and it seems that you wouldn’t want to go out with me.

things had been so different these past few weeks. i don’t know. and at this week, i was so shocked to find out that you’re moving. the last year was so horrifying when i found out you’re going out of the country, but i was relieved when it was canceled but now, here’s the same scenario.

tell me what am i supposed to do. i don’t have any idea of what is going on. has fate really ordered you to stay away from me, or have you settled down yourself that i’m as good as done. i hate feeling like this everyday. having to wake up thinking will i see you in a few hours or will i have to wait until the next day or the next few weeks or will i never see you again.

do you ever think of our relationship? do you really love me? then why don’t i feel it. what’s your proof? is there any evidence?

i’m sick and tired of always being like this. tell me if i should still wait or if i would have to look for someone else.