clueless.

yeah, we're ON. the relationship existed 11 months ago, and still exists 'til now. we've been through a lot of things. we love each other, so much. and who would ever think it would end up to be my fault that i'm really not for him after all? this is what happens when imature people fall in love and grow mature, learning the painful truths about what they used to not know. i thought i could fight for him, in order for my parents to accept him. i was fueled up when he made me meet his parents, but know, we both realized i wouldn't work well enough with my parents. [tears] how come this happens? we've done a lot of things already that made a lot of memories. we sneak out from the house just to watch stars together and stroll on his auto. we went out of town just to stroll a mall about 3 hours from home and get to to go home that late [not to mention the excuses, the "lies" i gambled saying just to make mom believe me].

i always want to save our relationship. i always look at its every angle, in case i see a way to get on with it. i really love him, really do.

my heart's downfall day.

imagine how stupidity strikes
everytime you need luck
it strikes you too hard
and it strikes are your back

surprised you were not knowing
that it's 12 oclock in the evening
still he's all you could think about
though you're all worn
this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

you gotta go to bed now
you just don't know how
things leave you clueless
all that's left is a mess

you go over with the night
something just don't feel right
i can't believe we're finally through
after all those years of fighting for you

this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

wish i could grab you outta my mind
and hug you for real
it'll be a very good way to show you
just how i feel

i'm like a kid lost in New York City
who doesn't even know to take a taxi
but i've gotta gamble all of my fears
and trash out the shame of showing tears

this was day i feared the most
when all i've left is finally lost
all the tears shall be shed today
it is my heart's downfall day

it's my heart's downfall day..

ellipsis in our story.

you see i've given all
since the very day i fall
each word from my lips were true
my sight was just for you
these ears listen carefully
when you say you love me
it was like a fairytale
but on one thing we failed

you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

now i guess it's the end
but tell me we can be friends
we both tried to make it through
we fought for me and you
i will miss our happy times
those moments when we'd rhyme
so i sing to you this song
wishin' you;d sing along

you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

i know you loved me
i was able to see
hope i had made you feel
that loving you was real

you see, i see

the ellipsis in our story
an important thing lacked
something we just can't put back
but i guess this is it
some of the pieces just don't fit
you see, i see
the ellipsis in our story

labeled "little miss boring"

"Okay, sorry if you're having a hard time having fun every time you're with me."

i don't get it. is this actually the reason why he's always busy every time i'd ask him if we could spend time together? it's sort of stupid to put things like this on the spotlight, things that actually don't matter. well, maybe to other people, but it means so much to me, thought it shouldn't.

it's been five months since he's been acting a bit weird. he's calls are already minimal, while it's been me who's often asking him to go out. at times we're on an 'ok' mode, sometimes it horrifying. why horrifying? it's because after he'd ask me what i did the whole day, he would be quiet all the rest of the time. it annoys me, but am i obliged to hold his upper and lower lip and force to motion close-open?

yup. that was five months, until he finally cracked it. "Will you try to be quiet? You're boring."
don't ask me how i felt. you know i was hurt, even for the slightest reason.

all these times, he had that reason why he's been acting like that all the while? [ridandancy was applied in that statement, in know.] silence enveloped me upon hearing those words, but when i examined his face, it was nothing to him. he just looked annoyed knowing my eyes were laid up on him, waiting for the next words he would say. he said nothing. oh, he said something actually. "stand up. let's go home."

so that was it? that was it. i wanted to hate him, but i couldn't. i just felt stupid. i was on "self pity" mode. okay, i was boring and boring i was.

-but how can he judge me that way? he labeled me boring, when in fact all the while i was the only one who was talking while he was there sitting, with his mouth shut. well, maybe he wasn't interested about what i was talking about. that thing contributed to the hurt, because what i talked about was my relationship to his family. we talked [well "i talked"] about his mom, and how she entertained me while i was in their place. does he not like it that i got to get close with his mom? i also talked about sensitive things about us, you know, the future, and some of our little problems. i didn't know what was boring on those matters, or if any made sense, but since he considered it was boring, i decided not to talk about those things anymore, since then.

and do you think what i did changed his behaviour? hell no. it made it even worse. this time, he wouldn't want to go out with me. after being labeled "boring" i'd be labeled "dumb" if i wouldn't feel that he's not actually into me already. the best thing to do, is ask him what's the problem.
and i did.

look, i don't want to shed to you any much more of the details so i'm going to tell you directly that it's been confirmed and i was right that he isn't into me already. he wants a girl who'd give him what he needs [boys know it] and i can't. he said all those times, he didn't want to just sit there listening to all the crazy stuffs i was talking about, he wanted to do something else (this is on a different level, in case my school buddies read this.), which he certainly didn't expect from me. he has to look for it on other girls, and at that night, it was over.

"okay, i wish you find what you're looking for. Goodluck with whatever...... dude."

and that's it. did this post made any sense? i'm on latitude 4.16, over the equater, on the tropical convergent zone, the exact location is blah blah blah [wew. pardon me if i do this babbling but the reason is because it still hurts.], kick me if it doesn't.

BEWARE OF BOYS. (who look for this fun.)

on my own corner.

it has always been like this. he does his work, while i wait here for his available time. i wait almost everyday for about twelve hours just for the next 2-3 hours i could spend with him. and all those 12 hours are time wasted. why wasted? because all i do is make his phone ring, send messages and answer his call, just to check exactly what he might be doing at the moment.

it's not that i'm sick waiting for him, it' just that i'm sick of spending my time doing nothing while he's out there taking part of my whole lot of mental disease. this impatience threatens my personality. i know it was never his fault that i'd be like this. it's just that why won't he do something? you know, make up for the lost time and pay for my oversworn patience all these times. leave his work for a few hours and be with me. i've always wanted that.

i don't want to be stuck here like i always was. i want him, to get me and bring me somewhere where we could just talk and have time together. we never know until when we can just be together. tomorrow might just ne the end of the world. might sound silly but we never know.

while the world goes on, we're here watching our own backs like foxes in the middle of the deep cold forest. we both want to find our own shelter amidst our strength, but it seems the world is afraid to keep us. i fear that one day all i'd have to do is take care of myself and i'm afraid one day all i'd ever believe is that i don't need anybody else to be here with me. right now, and in the coming days, i know i am that strong, but still i want to have somebody to show me that i'm not when it comes to the highway of life.

"i still want someone to take care of me. someone who can leave the rest of the world and be with me just in a corner."

the last drive.

all these nine months i struggled for love. i did things i didn't know i could and i should do. it was all because i didn't want to lose someone. i wish he has willing to do the same efforts, but he didn't. he never hesitated to make me think that way, as for always.

i skipped classes, i sneak in and out of the house, i leave my friends, i hide my grading card, i spend all my allowances just to be with him. i lie, i cheat, i disobey, i do whatever. good thing he could see my effort, but still he isn't in the mode to do the same thing.

at times when i ask him, it seems nothing to him. it was like he doesn't care. and guess what? he wouldn't even do something to change the way i think. he just let's it go that way. i don't know what his intention his, but he tells me he loves me.

now, i realized on thing. it is different when somebody says "i love you" ahead of you, than when somebody says "i love you" after you've said them yourself, because it could be that he loves you because he does, or he loves you because he knows you love him, or he just said that to be fair with you and nothing more.

something i don't know [and i really can't remember] how i got here. falling in love with someone like this without even regreting. he's just somebody who won't fight for me.

maybe, he's just too confident that i love him and every time i slip away, i'd get back. good for him, he doesn't know how to feels to wait all day though he's out there doing something else. he doesn't know how it feels to break-up with someone you wish would tell you not to, to walk away and wish a tear would fall down his eyes at every step, and at the last drive would tell you he still loves you no matter how wrong he's done.

i'd always hope for this last drive.